What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 02:01
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
How do you know how physically attractive you actually are?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ive learnt so much.
I have a "fat pussy" and I'm super self cautions about it. Do guys think it's gross?
All the time i was locked up.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why is my ex still keeping in touch with me even though she dumped me?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Can you summarize season 1 of "The Acolyte"?
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What is the best case of “You just picked a fight with the wrong person” that you've witnessed?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Would this be the day?
Is dating in college necessary? Why and why not?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He knew the spot.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Put me off passion for life!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She found it foreign!.
We all went to grammer schools
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I have no regrets .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Comes on , in middle age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were not on the streets..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I said to her
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So, i spoilt her more .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So whats the point in blame.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Who then, do I blame.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What did i know ?
But it wasn’t much.
My life is so biszare .
I don,t even have a pension.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i lived it daily.
As i do to all so called friends.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But, we were locked up after school.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
She loved him until the end.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
But ive been too sick for many years..